Don’t worry, I am still not dating. I don’t have the time or patience to right now.
So, what is this? Well friends, you will never guess who reappeared out of the blue.
That’s right. My ex – the one that I dated for over a year, who lied to me and tried to force me have children that he knew I didn’t want. If you still don’t know that story, click here.
So what could he have possibly wanted an entire year after the break up?
In a nutshell he said that he couldn’t see a reason why we couldn’t be friends and that he wanted to talk and come to some sort of “understanding.”
I asked him where that came from and he said it was because he saw the post that I wrote about him right after he broke up.
I then told him that it seemed to me like he just wanted to make himself feel better about the situation because he didn’t like what I wrote, that I didn’t believe that anything that I wrote about him was untrue, and that I wanted to know why he was reading my blog anyway.
He said he went back and read the post and that all of it was true. He was a shitty boyfriend and that he had reached out because of his ego and because he didn’t like that I had vented to the world about our relationship.
I told him that I hoped he had learned his lesson and he said that he had. If I’m being totally honest, I don’t really believe him, but that’s not my problem.
The next morning, I woke up thinking about that conversation. It was shortly after a bullshit law had been passed in Alabama and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, I sent him another message making sure that he knew that I was not going to hold a grudge against him but also that I did not forgive him. I don’t think he doesn’t deserves my forgiveness. An apology over a year after everything happened in an attempt to soothe his ego is bullshit. I told him that I felt like his actions fell in line with those laws. Women are literally having the rights to their own bodies restricted and controlled. I felt like his failed attempt to manipulate me into having children was basically the same thing.
Keep in mind that the day before, he kept telling that he was a changed man, a better one. That he had done some soul searching and learned the error of his ways. I’m not even being dramatic there, he did literally say that at one point. But when I brought up the laws, he said he didn’t see what that had to do with him because he hadn’t signed any of those laws.
Laws are being created to control women. These laws are stripping women of their rights to choose (or not choose) motherhood and their ability to make choices about their own bodies. No, he didn’t sign a bill but he literally tried to do the exact same thing to me. He lied to me, tried to manipulate me, guilt trip me, and even tried to bribe me.
He then claimed that I was trying to start an argument. This is something that he did often towards the end of our relationship. If I reminded him of something that he did or said that was hurtful, he would say that I was trying to start a fight. In reality, I was trying to get him to understand why I felt the way I did. If you don’t like hearing people repeat the awful things that you do or say, then don’t be a shitty person to begin with.
Then he accused me of being passive aggressive because I pointed out that this was the first real apology that he’d given me, that it was incredibly late, and that I was surprised it happened at all. That wasn’t me being passive aggressive, I was being honest. It’s been a year. If he couldn’t apologize for the little things when we were together, why would I have expected one now?
Then he tried to cover up by saying that tone doesn’t translate well over messages. I told him that’s exactly why he shouldn’t have made the assumption and that he could have asked. He claimed that he thought that “avoiding conflict” was the right thing to do and I pointed out that nothing can get resolved that way. If that sounds familiar, it’s because I said the same thing to Leo. Seriously, why do so many men think that ignoring a problem makes it go away? What is wrong with y’all?
I asked him what he wanted out of this conversation and he said that he didn’t want it to end as an argument. That he wanted to give me closure. For the record, there is no closure for this. Nothing is going to make up for the fact that he purposely a year of my life because he felt entitled to children. At this point I had asked him multiple times if he understood how his actions coincided with the laws and he never answered the question. Still hasn’t. He said that he didn’t know what to say and that he couldn’t take it back.
He said that before all of this happened, he had thought that he “was everything that any woman could ever want” and it was a shock to learn that that wasn’t true. I didn’t say this to him (even though I wanted to) but I don’t understand how he came to that conclusion. Having a dick doesn’t make any woman on the planet want you. Sure he had an apartment and a car. Both of them were filthy and I had to ask repeatedly that he at least attempt to keep them clean. Sorry but when I walk into someone’s home I don’t want to smell garbage and cat shit. Even if you are desirable by women, that does not give you the right to try to control them. And before anyone tries to say that men place a lot of value on being a “provider” he wasn’t that. His definition of providing was buying things for the sake of being able to say he bought them. Sure he did buy me some books which I appreciated, but then he would throw money on things that I didn’t even want. If you show me a pair of earrings and I say either that I don’t want them because of the size or that I have nothing to wear with them because I don’t wear that color…..don’t buy them just so you can say that you bought me some jewelry. Going and buying those things is not going to make me happy. It means that you did it to make yourself look/feel good but you don’t actually give a damn about what I want, need, or am interested in.
At the end of all of this, I asked why he did what he did and he claimed it was because of selfishness and immaturity.
If I’m being totally honest (and no I didn’t say this to him because I don’t see the point anymore) I think that’s a cop out. Yes, I believe that he finally realized how shitty all of it was and that he was solely to blame, but I think there’s more to it. Yes, he was selfish and he was immature, but neither of those are excuses. Every awful thing that he did and said was a choice. He didn’t have to do any of those things, yet he still made a conscious decision to. I think at the root of this situation was a feeling of an entitlement to children and to me. I think he for some reason felt superior and convinced himself that he could make me do whatever he wanted. I think he still has some beliefs rooted in sexism whether he wants to admit it or not. Apparently I came along and shattered those beliefs but I’m not sorry about it. Men aren’t entitled to a damn thing and the sooner that they realize that, the better experience they’ll have dating women and finding one who wants the same things. There shouldn’t be any compromising on life changing decisions that’s bullshit and nobody fucking owes you anything.