I considered writing a post like this a long time ago and eventually decided against it. But after last night I genuinely do not give a fuck anymore so I’m going to put it all out there.
My ex and I broke up last summer for multiple reasons but the biggest one was that I told him 2 weeks into our relationship that I did not want children and he chose to lie to me about what he wanted because he figured he could force me to anyway. You can read more about that here.
Aside from that there were a plethora of red flags, Note: I am going to refer to him as C from now on.
He didn’t really want to be in a relationship with someone who would be considered an equal. Heaven forbid I have an opinion different from him or we have a debate and I end up being right. He needs to feel like he’s the smartest person in the room at all times. When he can’t do that, he will latch on to anything. Any flaw, any mistake and try to use it to make himself feel better.
He also had a serious issue with the fact that I expected him, as an adult, to clean up after himself. Apparently it was just too damn much when I asked him not to leave all of his clothes on the floor, throw away trash instead on leaving it on the counter or couch, and to clean out the litter box, or help me keep the apartment clean at all. Instead he would just play video games for hours and hours on end.
Once when I was in between jobs, I asked if he could put in a little effort to help me clean up a little more. I told him that it was frustrating that I was the only one cooking and cleaning every single day. His response was, “well what else do you have to do?” Now, what’s ironic about that is when he was in between jobs and I was the only one working, he still did nothing but played video games all fucking day. And when I brought up what he had said to me he agreed that it was fair to bring it up. Surprise, surprise…nothing changed.
The one thing that he constantly complained about was sex. Quite frankly, attempting to have sex with him was incredibly painful for me. I told him that and he responded with “the pain will go away eventually.” Now, as a woman, the feeling of being forced into is not something that just “goes away.” What I felt was like I was being ripped apart from the inside but it didn’t matter to him because he wasn’t getting off. I don’t know, but when the person you claim to love tells you that you are causing them extreme amounts of physical pain, you would care wouldn’t you? He didn’t. And when he didn’t get what he wanted, he would mope around angrily hoping that guilt tripping me would get him what he wanted.
This was a topic of many arguments where each time, the most important thing was that he was unsatisfied despite how I felt during all of it. He even went as far as taking a dig at me by comparing me to all of the other women that he’d slept with.
C is the kind of person who does not know how to handle being wrong. He can know that he’s done something wrong and acknowledge that it’s wrong, but will never apologize. But for God’s sake don’t ever do something that he doesn’t like because the world might as well end. Once, he got mad at me because I fell asleep and didn’t apologize for it. Yeah. I was in our bedroom writing or reading and I came out to say hi. He asked that I come into the living room while he played video games. But when I went back into the room gather all of my stuff, I did a little cleaning and then ended up falling asleep on the bed. I had to be out for at least an hour, maybe longer. When I woke up, I went back into the living room and he asked what happened. I told him I’d fallen asleep and he said, “you’re not even going to apologize?” For falling asleep? Mind you, that hour or so when I was sleeping he didn’t stop playing his game even once to check on me. But how dare I not apologize?
I think the worst happened the last two weeks of our relationship. He would start arguments all the time over nothing,so at that point were almost avoiding each other. One night, I brought up the fact that he never helps me clean but doesn’t make it any easier when I have to keep asking him not to leave clothes all over the floor. That was a fun conversation:
C: It’s really annoying when you keep bitching about the same stuff over and over again.
Me: I would stop bitching if you didn’t constantly tell me you would do something and then not do it.
C: I only said that I would do it so you’d shut up about it.
That night he also said that my presence was really “bothering him” so I offered to go stay with my parents for a few days. He said no. I didn’t understand why he would literally say “I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to be around you.” but when I offered to go he would say that wasn’t what he wanted. What? That’s literally what you just said! I was pissed when I fell asleep and pissed when I woke up.
That next morning he got up to drive me to the train station kept asking me what was wrong. I said I didn’t want to talk about it but he wouldn’t let it go. (Btw if he ever didn’t want to talk about something, I was supposed to stop asking. When I didn’t want to tak he would keep bothering me about it). He kept asking and eventually I got annoyed so I told him I was pissed that all this time it’s just been lies on top of lies. Maybe they weren’t all big lies but I was tired of it. He got mad. I said that was exactly why I didn’t want to talk about it in the first place.
While I was on the train, he texted me to tell me that I ruined his morning. I told him that it could have been avoided if he had stopped asking me what was wrong when I told him I didn’t want to talk. It was the same pattern then. He’d text me to leave him alone. But then he would send another text message to elicit a response. Then he would tell me to leave him alone again.
Then one day, we went to the grocery store to get food for the next week. I had made a list and I was going to be paying for everything that we bought. You know how there are those little pamphlets at the door that tell you what’s on sale? TBH I never look at those because I almost always meal prep. C typically flipped through and would sometimes pick through stuff to get. We walk into the store and he grabs a pamphlet and lays it on the cart facing him. I was checking a few things on the list and when I looked up he was staring at me. I asked him what was up and he’s like well aren’t you going to look at it. I said no because I never did and I didn’t want to spend to much on stuff that we didn’t really need. This set him off. He kept saying, “Why can’t you just look at it? That doesn’t make any sense to me. Why won’t you just do it? That’s a stupid way to think.” I asked why he was getting so upset about it and he said, “because I shouldn’t have to ask you-” I cut him off. “You didn’t ask me. You placed it in front of yourself and didn’t say anything. I’m not a mind reader.”
For some reason, thing argument when on for a long while. Also keep in mind that every time I cooked and went grocery shopping, I asked for his input. I was like pulling teeth. He would say he didn’t care but then got upset if I cooked something he didn’t like or want. I had to force him to look up recipes on Pinterest so that he could tell me if he saw anything that he liked. Sometimes, I would spend hours cooking just for him to say “oh I’ll just have cereal.” This is incredibly frustrating when you are the only person in the household who cooks. I mean that and the fact that he’s a grown ass man who is unwilling to learn a life skill. According to him, he doesn’t have a reason to learn how to cook….but he wants children…..
Anyway, the night that we had the argument in the grocery store, he finally tells me that he’s been struggling with depression again. Now, here’s the thing. I am not the kind of person that has an issue discussing mental health. I have experienced myself, helped my friends through it and am always down to talk about it, find resources, etc. He knows that. I told him that in the beginning. We have talked about it and I offered my support, offered that we find a professional to talk to and we refused. So when he tells me that, this is the conversation that followed:
Me: Well why didn’t you tell me about it?
C: Because I’ve been handling it
Me: By handling it you mean lashing out and starting arguments with me for no reason?
Like I said, talking about mental health is not an issue with me. What pissed me off is that he said it like he fully expected me just to take the abuse with no complaints.
C wasn’t the kind of person who showed emotions other than anger. The day that I came home and started packing up my thing, I was almost finished, suitcases sprawled out all over the living room. And he came home on his lunch break. I didn’t even think it was possible but there were actual tears in his eyes. While it’s great to know that somewhere in there he actually does have a heart, it should not have taken me leaving for him to show it.
After I moved out, he said that he wanted to try to remain friends. Bad idea, I know but I agreed anyway. That lasted all but a week maybe. Any time I texted about something, even something funny he had an attitude. I even asked if he was sure we wanted to be friends and he (as always) tried to make it seem like I was the problem. Then one day he calls me. Partially to tell me about the new girl that he started seeing – Yeah he hopped back on Tinder the week after we broke up – and to say that he had finally let go of his anger toward me as if I was the reason our relationship ended.
Anyway, the one day we hung out was a disaster. He talked about the new girl which was fine but then he was visibly bothered when he asked if I was seeing someone new. At the time the answer was yes and it annoyed him. Seriously? You called to try to throw your new girl in my face but you’re mad that I’m not hung up on you? Are you fucking kidding?
Then at some point he asked, “Do you think I’m emotionally abusive?” and my answer was yes for many of the things stated above. This pissed him off and he shut down the rest of the night. From then on all he cared about was making digs at me trying to frame me as the villain in this situation. Oh he was so unhappy with our relationship. Oh how could I not want kids? Me not wanting kids is the worse possible thing in the world. Whatever he could think of to make it seem like he had been wronged.
The only reason that we even slightly kept in touch after this was because he owed me money. For our anniversary, I had purchased Orchestra tickets and we agreed that he could keep one as a gift and he would pay me back for the other. So I call him the day of to collect and he says,”funny thing is I didn’t even go.” Cool. Great. So you just let my money go to waste. Even though you complained about the price that you paid for orchestra tickets once, and the ticket that I bought were much more expensive and he knew that.
It took him him months to pay me back. Every single time, he put it off for one reason or another. I was patient and finally it happened. He had offered to stop by my house (I really had no interest in seeing him but I said okay), Then that day, he called to say that his car wouldn’t start. He also said, “the reason that I wanted to see you was to hug you and tell you that I love you and that I want the best for you since this is probably the last time that we’ll talk.” Then he sent me the money finally.
That was on a Friday. That following Sunday he texted me saying, “You’re not allowed to be mad. But what’s your mac and cheese recipe?” While it seems like a simple request it really pissed me off. 1. After everything that he’d done, he somehow still had the nerve to ask for a favor and 2. This “man” did not cook a single thing the entire year that we were together but now he wants a family recipe? Really?
I didn’t respond.
Then last night I had to text him to ask that he send any mail that came to his place for me because I was waiting on something important. While he agreed to do it, he then asked if I hated him. I never said that I did so I told him that. He said that my social media said otherwise.
Now, tell me this. If someone told you that you were “easy to let go of,” why would they still follow you on social media?
I blocked him on instagram because he kept watching my stories. I deleted him from facebook because he said he didn’t want to be friends. To be honest, I block everyone who still follows me if we’re not friends. It wasn’t personal.
I told him that, but also asked why he cared, Of course he said he didn’t. But if you don’t care, why bring it up?
Then he basically outed himself for stalking my social media which I called him out on. Then I reiterated the fact that I did not hate him, even though I would be right to. He asked if I would be right to.
I gave a run down of all of the awful things that he had done and asked if I had done that to him, would he hate me and feel it was justified.
He didn’t answer the question.
Instead, he told me to go see a therapist.
Yup, I need therapy because I blocked him on social media after everything that he did me. Then when I asked him to answer the question, he did what he always did and tried to deflect. And by deflect, I mean try to nit pick everything about me and make me feel like I’m failing in life.
I don’t have my own car. Quite frankly I can’t afford one. But considering he didn’t even buy his own, not sure what that was supposed to do. He said I get mad at every comment made to or about a female. I corrected him and told him yes I have an issue with sexism. which includes him referring to women as females but that’s a whole different story…. Basically he’s said some sexist shit and is mad that I told him it was sexist.
Then he kept going taking personal things that I told him about my childhood and twisting them to try to make me feel small. All of it was irrelevant to the conversation and he was so clearly grasping for anything to make himself feel like he was powerful.
Anyway, I genuinely have no reason to communicate with him anymore so I’m glad all of the bullshit is over. Have a nice life…or don’t.