I’ve never wanted children. I don’t now and I never will.
For some reason this fact upsets people and they always try to argue with me about it. Let me just go ahead and tell you what not to say when a woman says that she doesn’t want to have children:
- Don’t say that!
- How about you not tell me what to do
- Oh you just haven’t met the right person yet
- Meeting someone isn’t going to make me want a baby, what kind of dumbass logic is that?
- You’ll change your mind
- No. I won’t. And if I do it will be my choice, not someone else trying to make a decision for me
- But what if your future husband wants kids?
- It’s not the fucking 1920s. I’m a grown ass woman and I make my own decisions. I’m not going to marry someone who doesn’t respect my choices or my body
- You’ll regret this
- Nope, I’m pretty happy with my decision
- But you haven’t lived until you have kids
- It’s sad that you feel that way. Your quality of life shouldn’t be dependent on other people
- But what woman doesn’t want children??
- Plenty, actually. Just because you disagree doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. Again my quality of life is not dependent on being a mother and neither is my womanhood.
The fact that I don’t want children does not mean that I hate them. Many people will constantly try to frame it that way, but that’s not the case. I love when family members have babies, and I will gladly babysit when my friends have kids. I can be happy for them without wanting that for myself. And yes, I know that I would make a good mother. Quite frankly, my own childhood along with playing a large role in my younger brothers’ upbringing has taught me a lot about parenthood. Believe me, I know that being a parent is no small feat and I respect moms. Especially the single and stay at home ones but again, that doesn’t mean I have to want to be one too.
People don’t understand how much of a struggle it is to be a woman who doesn’t want kids. I emphasize identifying as a woman because if a man doesn’t want children people don’t seem to fight them as much. But some of you want to be stuck in the 1920s and reduce our entire existence to simply being mothers and quite frankly y’all need to cut it the fuck out.
Take my most recent relationship for example. I know that not wanting children isn’t a popular opinion. So two weeks into the relationship, I let my ex know that. I said, “I don’t want kids. I’m not going to change my mind. I don’t want this to be an issue later so if you’re not okay with that you need to tell me now.” Could I have been any clearer? I mean, really? Anyway, he said he was okay with it and that he understood. For the next few months, I kept asking because I wanted to be sure. After about 6 months I finally thought, “great, we’re on the same page. I don’t have to worry about this anymore.”
OF FUCKING COURSE, I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG
Months later, I come home from work one day and something is clearly off. He’s being really mopey, not making eye contact, but when I ask him whats wrong, he won’t tell me. Finally he decides to tell me the truth. He actually does want kids. Actually he said, “I always wanted kids, I just thought I could change your mind.”
Yeah, you read that correctly.
Fuck the fact that I said I 1. Did not want them 2. Would not change my mind and 3. Didn’t want to have this conversation later, he decided that he didn’t care about what I wanted and that he would just get want he wants anyway regardless of what that would mean for me.
It’s one thing if he had thought he didn’t want kids and then realized he did later, but that was not the case. He knew that he wanted kids from the very beginning and instead of telling me the truth the dozens of times that I asked, he lied. Every single time. Over and over again. For months.
Of course, by this point we were already living together so seriously fuck my life. And also, why even ask me to move in when you knew I still didn’t want kids?
This ended up leading to a huge argument. I tried to explain to him that this whole scenario – aside from being lied to – really upset me because it was already hard enough to not want kids in this world. It’s a constant argument and people are always making it seem like I need to justify my choice to them because they can’t fathom it. I explained that some people – complete strangers – will start an argument with me, telling me that I’m missing out and that I’m making a mistake. I told him this and instead of listening and recognizing his own role in this that he tried to make it seem like I was in the wrong, and that I was being dramatic. He even went so far as to try to make it seem that I went out of my way to let people know that I don’t want kids and start an argument with them.
That’s not the case. I don’t have this conversation with people unless I’m prompted to. Someone will ask if I have any or if I want them and I’ll tell them no. Typically that’s what sparks all of the phrases that I listed at the beginning.
Take this conversation for example… I posted a picture of a baby onesie on facebook and tagged my cousin who recently had a baby. The onesie had a funny saying about babies waking up in the middle of the night and preventing parents from sleeping. And then this happened:
Extended family member: Be ready, that’s all I’m saying
Me: lol I’m not having kids
Them: Yes you are! They are wonderful and amazing
Me: No I’m not. I don’t want to. I never have. It’s no one else’s decision but my own and I’ve made my choice
Them: We’ll see!
Me: Okay, all jokes aside. I am not having children. You don’t have to agree with it but I’m not asking for opinions. I don’t want children and that will never change.
After that, they didn’t respond. Bottom line: I only get mad when people try to tell me that I will have kids. I don’t care what your so called reasoning is, just don’t do it. I only told my ex because I knew that it would come up at some point. Like I said then, I wanted to address it early so that it wouldn’t be a problem later.
After the argument died down he suggested that we stick a pin in it for a year and talk about it then. I agreed.
I thought that what he meant was that we would both consider the alternative and then have a civilized discussion about it.
What he really meant was that he hoped that in a year he could force me to change my mind. He had no intention of changing his. I didn’t realize this at first, but it started to become clear after a few months. He would talk about having a child more often. He would even try to bribe me, “Well what if I buy your dream house and it has a library?”
At some point during our many discussions he said that not having kids is “a life where I shoot myself at 40.” To be honest, that hurt. Not only did he make it clear that he would never be satisfied with just me in his life, he made it seem that if this happened it would be my fault because I didn’t give him what he wanted. On the night that we finally broke it off he told me that there was something wrong with me and that I was “heartless.”
What’s ironic about this is that he used the phrase “your body your choice” constantly, almost as a joke but he clearly has no idea how important that phrase is. Not only because he’s never needed to apply it to himself, but I honestly don’t think he cares.
One thing that always bothered him was that when he asked me why I didn’t want kids I didn’t always have an answer and sure there are a few things that have helped solidify my choice. Many women in my family have had miscarriages and that’s not something I ever want to deal with. Some of those same women (including my mother) have had to have hysterectomies. I also have thyroid issues which could potentially make carrying a child difficult. On top of that pregnancy scares the fuck out of me and I never EVER want to experience childbirth.
All of those things have had a small role in my decision but even if you put all of that aside, I still don’t want kids.
After we broke up and I had to tell my family and friends, one person’s response was, “well are you sure?” Yes. Do not ever ask me that again. Another response was, “not even one?” WTF? You’re not asking me if I want a drink or a cookie. We’re talking about a child. A life long commitment. One that I do not want.
One thing that I’ve noticed through all of this is that a lot of men seem to feel entitled to children. They think that whichever woman they choose will just have children for them, but they never think about how that affects us. I don’t think that many people really think about the stress that pregnancy puts on a woman’s body. The pain of childbirth, or the fact that it actually takes years for the body to fully heal from having a baby. I think that alone is a part of the problem.
To finally answer the question of why I don’t want kids, the answer is fairly simple: Because I fucking don’t.
I’m not asking for your opinion because I don’t give a shit. I don’t need your approval because you don’t get a say. Just because I have a uterus, does not mean that I have to have children. Just because someone else has kids, doesn’t mean that I will too.
If you have an issue with that answer, too fucking bad, Get over it.