Rae’s Rules to Remember #37: Bar Etiquette

I don’t go out to bars often. It’s not my thing. But I went out with friends the other night to celebrate a birthday. It was a place that none of us had been to so we thought it would be a fun place to try out. I’ve only been to two others bars before and I had a good time at both. This time was a completely different experience.

There were four of us so we were always at least in a group of two. My friend and I went to find the bathroom and on the way there and back we were catcalled and groped by complete strangers.

Me walking past you does not give you the right the grab my ass. I’m not a fucking toy, nor do I want you touching me. The amount of times that I turned around and pushed a guy away from me for grabbing me or one of my friends inappropriately was ridiculous.

At one point we were walking through the crowd and some guy starts pulling my shirt and trying to make me come toward him. I’m obviously not paying any attention to you so leave me the fuck alone. If I pull away from you once you don’t try to grab me again. If I’m dancing with my friends and you come up behind me, don’t be surprised when I start to move away from you or if one of my friends steps in between us to get you away from me.

I shouldn’t have to repeat “she said no” to you after my friend tells you that she doesn’t want to dance with you or give you her number. If she said no the first time, the answers not going to change just because you ask again. If she said no the first time, you take that as her final answer and move on. If she said no the first time, respect it and walk away.

When we were finally leaving and heading back to out car, a guy starts following us. One of my friends turns around and asks him why he’s following us. He says he wants to talk, to which she responds that we don’t want to talk. Instead of listening, he keeps following us. So I turn around and say, “Didn’t she just say that she doesn’t want to talk to you? Goodbye.” I shouldn’t have to reiterate a perfectly clear answer. If none of us have stopped to keep the conversation going, it’s pretty damn obvious that we don’t want you following us. You shouldn’t need more than one person to tell you the same thing for you to get it.

The bottom line is don’t go out to a bar if you don’t know how to treat people respectfully. If someone doesn’t want to dance with you find someone who does. If someone doesn’t want to give you their number, accept it and leave them alone. I didn’t go out with my friends to be disrespected and groped by random men who are under the false assumption that they have some sort entitlement. Get the fuck over yourself and respect the fact that when someone says “no” they mean it.

 

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About Bookmark Chronicles

Hi! I'm Rae. 23. Avid Reader, Book Blogger. Intersectional Feminist. Gryffindor.
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22 Responses to Rae’s Rules to Remember #37: Bar Etiquette

  1. Laura Beth says:

    Amen to this Unacceptable! I feel like etiquette is ignored. This post is exactly why I don’t go to bars often. I feel incredibly uncomfortable! And it’s sad, because no one should feel uncomfortable. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. carlalouise89 says:

    Yes!!! And I’m so sorry that you and your friends went through that! Men can be so entitled sometimes. It’s really disgusting.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sha'Tara says:

    That’s really strange behaviour. Here such acts would result in the management calling the cops on behalf of any complainant, there’d be arrests and the gropers would be up for sexual harassment automatically. Touching is a huge “don’t go there” issue. It just doesn’t happen, at least not in the regular licensed pubs. In rougher ones there’d be bouncers who would quickly remove such a-holes. Weird kind of backwoods redneck behaviour, and even weirder that nothing official is done about it. Maybe the women out there need to get more assertive by calling the cops and suing. I dunno… pass me another beer Sam.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Strange sure, uncommon no. Things like this happen to women all of the time, everywhere. Women are harassed for so much as walking down the street. Calling the cops in a crowded bar unfortunately probably wouldn’t have actually done anything. Women don’t “need” to do anything. Men need to learn how to treat women respectfully

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Idontwearahat. says:

    Reminds me of the time my partner went to the toilet and a guy comes to me, says he likes what I am wearing and tries to kiss me. I thought my partner was going to kill the guy. But seriously, some guys when they’re drunk are unbearable. Others can be lovely in an amusing way. It can put me off going into some places or anywhere at all.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. darthtimon says:

    Makes me ashamed. More animals than men.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Ariel Lynn says:

    I don’t go to bars much nowadays, but when I had experiences like you had – where someone touched you without your consent – I would give them a taste of their medicine. It wasn’t something that I thought through, clearly, because I don’t believe violence is a good answer in most situations, but I would give them a taste of “unwanted touching” right back. Knowing how the U.S. usually handles situations like this, I’m sure I could have been arrested in some such situations before the groper would have been arrested.

    Obviously, I wouldn’t recommend my old tactics to anyone – not even myself. But, gosh… it really felt good.

    I think a big part of the problem (besides the obvious entitlement & rape culture that forgives these & even worse transgressions) is: society teaches young men that women like to be “chased” & that they need to be “persistent.” Add that to the cultural lesson that men are supposed to show women that they like them by touching them (think back to little boys chasing & pushing little girls on the playground), & it creates men like those you encountered on what was supposed to be a nice night out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • True and the playground thing is so true and stupid. But as adults, I would think that they would be able to see the errors of their ways. Then again, society and its screwed up standards still tell them otherwise. Its just so ridiculous and disgusting and pisses me off so much. I don’t blame you for giving them a taste of their own medicine

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        See, I agree that we should be able to see the errors of our ways as adults, but, as we all know, the lessons we receive in early development leads to our sense of the world as adults. Teaching kids that it’s OK to force “little girls” to accept unwanted touching from “little boys” leads to the internalization of that as adults. Not to mention, (which I already mentioned, but it bears repeating) the sense of entitlement we give our young men.

        To be honest, I don’t blame my younger self for my actions, but I know that two wrongs don’t make a right & that what I did was assault (then again, so is what they did, but young men are so rarely held accountable for sexual assault it’s almost laughable to think that, were the police called, THEY would be arrested before I would).

        I have some great stories. I used to be an “exotic dancer” during my college years at a place where touching the dancers was NOT allowed, not even a handshake or a touch on the shoulder. Not all men were as respectful as the club demanded, &, on busy nights, I was known to take matters into my own hands (or, in one brilliant case, feet) when they were being jerks.

        That job took a lot outta me though.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You are right. The entitlement in embedded from such a young age. And honestly I would argue that what you did was self defense instead of assault. I can only imagine what toll that job could take, especially when people see it as a reason to be disrespectful or think that they don’t have to abide by rules. I’m sorry you had to deal with that 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        I would agree that it was self-defense too, but, knowing how victims of sexual assault are treated by the general public/police/security, I think it wouldn’t turn out too well if it were reported. :-/

        Well, of course there were good & bad aspects to that job. It got me through college (well, that & a s*** ton of student loans), I didn’t have to get up early for them, I felt very empowered as a woman in control of my sexuality… but, yeah, seeing the way men acted there made me lose a lot of respect for them.

        That was the weirdest part, I think, for my friends & family to understand: I didn’t feel I was disrespecting myself or women, I felt like men were disrespecting their gender w/their awful behavior.

        &, of course, #notallmen. *eye roll*

        Liked by 1 person

      • Very true, reporting it in a lot of cases causes more harm than good with out no good justice systems and rape culture. And I agree, you weren’t disrespecting yourself as a woman. It’s really good that you felt empowered in that job and you were doing what you had to do to pay for school AND pay of debt. That’s taking care of business *virtual high five*

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Ariel Lynn says:

    Thank you! It’s a difficult position to be in, as a feminist with feminist friends. A lot of people have polarized opinions on exotic dancing & I had some long, serious conversations with my dearest friends on the topic.

    Hmm… perhaps this is something I should add to my “All I Know” project. *ponders*

    *virtual high five returned!* 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ariel Lynn says:

    I agree completely!! Unfortunately, we all know that some so-called feminists are exclusionary & unpleasant, giving us all a bad name. :-/

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: July Wrap Up! 2016 | bookmarkchronicles

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