Hi friends! This monologue from LINES was written by my friend Alyssa and is about her experience and discovering her identity.
I’ve always described myself as a harshly Irish, pure bred Italian. In my family, there are expectations to what that means. My coming out kinda shattered any cultural norms that they had for me. Through my journey, I’ve lost friends and I’ve lost family. It was really a process for me. Figuring out, not who I choose to be, but who I am. I had no idea what was happening.
First it was “oh, I like boys” then “and girls”…then I must be bisexual. My best friend was trans and we started dating, so then I didn’t know what to think. I was literally googling things. And then I found it. A definition of sorts. And it felt like a weight had been lifted. I’m not alone. I’m not two separate people fighting each other. Pansexual: a person who is attracted to anyone regardless of gender or sex.
Some people just think you’re either straight or gay, and nothing else. But a lot of people are missing. Asexual, Demisexual, Intersex, and Pansexual can sometimes be forgotten voices within a forgotten community. An invisible community. And many people think pansexual-identified individuals don’t exist. That we are a sad excuse to try to expand and enlarge the LGBTQ movement. An attempt to just “draw more attention to the cause.” Does that mean I do not exist? I stand before you: you can touch me, see me, and yet some claim I do not exist. I believe you when you tell me you’re straight, why is it so hard for people to believe me. This is who I’ve always been, I just now have the language to tell you. My identity is more complex and deep then simply 5 letters put together in an easy to say way. Deeper than the ocean and more complex than your one track mind. But at least try to understand.
No, I’m not bisexual. No, I’m not confused. Why should I fit into the image in your head of what a community can look like? If I can create my own image every day. Who gave you the power to define me? Because I write my own definition. You can call me by any name in the book and yet my book is still being written. If you think you have the power to control me then you are sadly mistaken. Because I am pansexual, P-A-N-S-E-X-U-A-L and if you don’t know what it means it shows that my community is larger than you thought. And maybe you’ve got some learning to do. About the forgotten letters. About the Gender blind. About gender-nonconformity. That I’m a person whose life is not yours to control with your assumptions and stereotypes. You may not have understood anything I’ve just said. This language may be completely new to you. That’s okay. Let’s continue to learn.